Recovery and Purpose as Told by Beartooth

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Well, I’m three years sober from the clutches of alcoholism as of the 14th of this month (September 2023 for those of you reading this in the future). I thought of all the various ways that I could talk about this process and what it’s meant to me but to be completely honest, it doesn’t seem all that important anymore. You see, after a while, it’s almost hard to remember how everything was back then. It’s been almost 1100 days at this point, and the process gets less and less clear as time goes on. Much like those in Congress making laws for everyday people, who are so far removed from everyday life that it’s probably been a decade or so since they’ve been to the grocery store, it doesn’t seem like I’m the best man for the job anymore. Life’s generally good now, I have my business, my dog, my new house, and something I’ve always wanted which is my new family. Storybook ending and all that.

Since I’m at a bit of a loss here, today I’m going to let one of my favorite bands talk about what the process is like. But before that, we’re going to talk about why music plays such an interesting role in my life.

Music & Me

Training and serving have always been a staple in my life ever since I stopped playing sports after college, my first love if you will. But my second favorite thing has always been music. I don’t really know why, but you know how smells are incredibly tied to memory? Like, you could smell the cologne you wore in high school and be brought back to that moment in time. Or, maybe you get a whiff of that Captain Morgan Spiced Rum that you had your first blackout experience in college with and immediately feel the urge to throw up. Well, music does that for me and it always has. I’ve got a pretty intense relationship with music.

For example, I could put on Nas’ Stillmatic and be right back in my junior year of high school. One Mic, Ether, and Rewind used to play in the locker room on repeat before our high school hockey games. Put that album on and I can almost feel myself back in high school playing hockey with my buddies. Or you could put on Trick Daddy’s www.thug.com and all of a sudden I’m back in 8th grade getting in fights and acting like a dummy.

Or more recently, you could put on one of the obscure bands I enjoy named Wildheart (who have since broken up after like producing like 3 songs when the lead vocalist left, side note here if you’re not listening to Teddy Swims you’re missing out!) and I’m on the beach in 2019 with my buddies. The band ISSUES album Headspace was the soundtrack to my life after my college girlfriend and I broke up and I was trying to figure my life out. Listening to them puts me back to a time in my life when I was meeting new people and forming some of the best friendships I’ll ever have. Music has the power to throw me back in time for a moment, it’s pretty neat.

If you’ve ever trained here at my gym, you’ve probably been less than impressed with the majority of the music selection. I enjoy a relatively obscure kind of music that a lot of people struggle to get into. There are lots of screams, which are mixed with very poppy-type vocals. It’s a weird blend of pop and metal, but it meshes well to me and it slaps. The bands I enjoy listening to play live in front of literally tens of people, sometimes even hundreds of people in tiny venues that couldn’t fit the audience for your daughter or son’s glee club. But it speaks to me in interesting ways.

It’s weird, the people who enjoy this kind of music are typically thought of as “weird”, like the goth and scene kids from back in high school. All the misfits find themselves in “the scene”. The music is either geared towards people who feel out of place, or the music drives you to that place in some way in an effort to fit in with your newfound crowd. There was a study done back in the mid-twenty-teens that showed various music genres and how and when the people making this music died.

Metal and rap had the lowest projected life span with other genres showing fairly normal life spans. Rappers were most likely to be murdered at a young age, and metal artists were most likely to kill themselves at a young age. Both were also very likely to OD on drugs as a cause of death at a young age which you could say is very much like suicide. So one thing is clear, people who listen to and create metal music aren’t always the happiest people. Now whether the music draws you into misery, or your predisposition to unhappiness makes you more likely to connect with this music one thing is clear: most people who listen to metal are unhappy. So I guess it’s no surprise that I found myself enjoying this kind of music.

Ok so back on track here, one of my favorite bands is in the process of slowly releasing singles off of their new album. They’ve been doing this for over a year and there has been a HUGE change in both the messaging and sound of this album for Beartooth. It’s a positive message, and the songs are actually really upbeat in comparison to their older work. There’s a reason for that.

The lead singer, a man by the name of Caleb Shomo, has gotten sober after over a decade of being an addict. His recovery has been evident in their music, so much so that they’re calling it Positivitycore metal.

Metal is a HUGE genre of music. So much so that there are dozens of genres within metal. You’ve got thrash metal, black metal, djent, groove metal, pop metal, industrial metal, progressive metal, doom metal, nu metal, glam metal, J-pop metal, Mongolian folk metal, Indian folk metal, about a billion others, and then Metalcore. Metalcore is categorized with heavy breakdowns, and anytime something has heavy breakdowns and is off-brand it will be called _______core. They’re calling the new Beartooth album Positivitycore as a joke, but it fits.

Anyways, from the looks of it so far, this album is going to be the timeline of needing help, surrendering to that need, getting help, and coming out on the back end of it all happier. Since I’m struggling with putting the words together, I figured I’d use this album to help tell the story. It’s line for line, song for song the exact process I found myself going through.

Riptide - The Beginning

Beartooth released this song over a year ago in July of ‘22. I remember when it came out I thought it sounded very off-brand for them but I was digging it. Beartooth usually sings about sadness, misery, and all the horrible things but this song was super positive. One of their first hits was called I Have a Problem and it was released 10 years ago, and it shows you how long Caleb’s been struggling. The opening lyrics were:

I found my vice

It lives in a bottle and wants me to die

But I wanna be alive

I couldn’t figure out why they made this change but then I saw on Caleb’s Instagram that he had been working on getting sober and it made all the sense in the world. Then I saw the music video, and my dude was dancing around shirtless looking happy and it made me smile. It’s always awesome to watch people winning, and I’m here for it.

This song is exactly what it’s like to really recognize that you’ve got a problem and that you need help. It explains the euphoria of being numb to the sadness in the moment, and how sometimes in your altered state you actually get pushed so far numb, that you feel everything. Here’s a selection of some of the lyrics that I find really correlative to my experience:

Finally frozen, no more emotion

Started escaping, now everything’s numb

Dove in the deep end, stuck and I can’t swim

So out of breath, I know I don’t have long

Yeah, this is way too much, just give me the rush

This is what it’s like when you’re escaping whatever ails you. Most times, you’re literally trying to numb everything so you don’t have to feel whatever sadness you’re going through at the time. And in doing so, it can push you full circle back to pain. If you’re an emotional drunk then you know this all too well.

The chorus pulls the process all together.

I’m done explaining my pain this is way too much

I wanna feel euphoria, give me the rush

‘Cause it’s the last time that I romanticize

This riptide that’s trying to drown me

Full of excuses for way too long

Don’t wanna sing another hopeless song

‘Cause it’s the last time that I romanticize

The riptide, It’s a riptide

The second verse is really relatable to both recovered addicts and those in active addiction. When you’re drunk or high a lot of times you’ll have those come to God moments where you KNOW you’ve got a problem and you contemplate your life. It’s when it circles back to pain in the moment. It’s almost like you’re pissed off because you just wanted to be f*cked up, you don’t want to feel. And it’s really hard to let anyone in, when you’re in the depths of depression you push everyone away. You don’t let anyone know what’s going on. It’s almost like you feel ashamed to feel that way.

I’m so ashamed of my vicious problems

Keeping the worst of me all to myself

It’s overwhelming, not ever telling

The ones I love that I gotta find help

Yeah this is way too much, just give me the rush

Yeah this is way too much, just give me the rush

The chorus goes on again, and the last part of the bridge near the end is where we finally feel the need to give in and let people in. I can legitimately feel the lyrics and it brings me back to the morning I woke up and knew I needed help.

Don’t wanna die, I guess I gotta let it go

Don’t wanna die, I guess I gotta let it go

I remember hearing this song and thinking “Man that’s awesome, but it’s not heavy like Beartooth usually is hopefully they’ll bring the heavy on the next track”. It would be almost another year before they dropped their next song so this one had to hold me over for a while.

Doubt Me - Cleaning House

This wasn’t the next song they released, but it’s the next song on the album. These five tracks that they’ve released so far read like a timeline of recovery. This song is the next step after finally making the decision to change.

This is where you’re laser-focused on your sobriety, but there are people all around you who doubt you’ll be successful. These people are the crabs in the bucket that see their buddies on the verge of escape, and instead of being happy that they’re getting free pull them back down into the bucket. When you first get sober, you’ll have these people in your life.

I had people who said, “How long are you gonna do this for?” or “Let’s just get a drink or two you’ll be fine”, or even “You’re going to relapse”. This shit is TOXIC to people getting sober and is mostly fueled by people who don’t want to lose their drinking buddy, or who are so miserable that they hate to see people succeed where they’ve failed. Misery loves company and when you’re in active addiction, you do a pretty good job of surrounding yourself with some miserable people.

The first verse is about having to leave those people behind. It’s painful, but if you’re going to succeed it has to be done.

I’ve been used by the useless

My whole body is covered in bruises

Consumed by the clueless

So full of lies and excuses

The chorus then goes on to show how important it is to shut those people out of your life. Apparently, Caleb’s a lot like me. If you tell me I can’t do something I’ll tell you to watch me do it.

Remember every time you doubt me

It makes me stronger than before

When you doubt me

It fuels the fire even more

So give me all you’ve got

I can’t wait to watch you rot

If there’s one thing you should learn about me

Don’t ever fucking doubt me

Don’t ever fucking doubt me!

This part of recovery is messy. You’ll lose friends, you may even lose family members. Maybe some of these friendships just get put on hold so you can do what you need to do, but if you’re going to be successful you have to have this attitude. It’s sad and you’ll feel some level of mourning, but it’s worth it.

The Better Me - Reflection and/or Relapse

There’s a period in recovery where many of us relapse. I say “us” because I’m in the club. For a short period of time, I became a statistic. It’s either a byproduct of not being clean quite long enough to see the happiness that comes, or thinking that you’ve finally got it under control. Either way, the data shows about 40-60% of addicts in recovery relapse within the first 30 days and about 85% within the first year of their newfound sobriety. Those aren’t great odds but they go down if you tackle the reasons why you’re using, and not just the using of drugs/alcohol. This is why after five years of sobriety, only about 7% of those in recovery will relapse. The longer you’re clean, the more likely you are to stay clean.

Along with relapse comes reflection, at least for me this is how it went. This song is like an anthem for anyone who’s told themselves they’ll make a change and never follow through with it. Whether that’s getting sober or clean, starting that new diet on Monday, or exercising, you all know what I’m talking about. The chorus is very much how I was feeling when I relapsed and decided to stop for good.

How many times have I said I was gonna be someone

when I get back onto my feet?

Tomorrow I’m gonna make changes

‘Cause today I can barely speak

I know how to pull myself out

And it’s gonna hurt like hell to set myself free

Just say it out loud, today’s the day I stop fucking around

And be the better me

Now who can’t relate to that? All of y’all can and you’re lying if you say you can’t. We’ve all been there. But for me, this is exactly where I was when I relapsed. I knew what it took to get sober initially, and it hurt. I was done and I was ready to make that lifelong change.

Now where it really hits home for me from a recovery standpoint is the first verse. Beartooth had a feature in this song that you may have heard of if you’re a country fan and it’s HARDY. HARDY’s been sober for twenty years now, so they both bring their experiences into this one, and it’s relatable. Caleb’s part goes:

I’ve been burned by it, concerned by it

I can’t steady my hand

Side effects of it have been soul-crushing

This wasn’t part of my plan

Then HARDY comes in:

I don’t wanna suffer

Tried to lie and I tried to recover

But I’m back in the gutter

Thinking all the same things

This is line for line what happens when you more than likely hit relapse, but only if you really want to change. You have this come to God moment where there’s real clarity and you understand what’s on the line, and it’s your life. This last part is what happens when you realize you’re worth it, so let’s go ahead and give this sober thing a real go:

I’m so done with it

And I’ve run with for as long as I can

I’m shutting down

Have one foot in the ground and I got no confidence left

Don’t need one another

Testified and it’s time to recover

I won’t die in the gutter cold alone and unseen

If you’re someone who’s been through the process, that last verse will give you goosebumps. At least that’s what it did for me. Much like dead weight, you realize you don’t need the drugs or booze. And you’re not going to die alone, sad, and alone.

Might Love Myself - Realization That You’re Worth It

I remember when they dropped this song and I heard it for the first time. One of my favorite things to do on Friday mornings before my clients come in is to scroll through Apple Music and see who’s dropped new music. Sometimes I’m surprised, but I’m always excited to see what’s new and finally out there.

This song was a surprise. After hearing Beartooth’s previous two songs that were released, I was pumped to see they dropped another new one. Most of these bands release new music videos when these songs come out because they make next to nothing on streaming, and they can make up some of that revenue with YouTube payouts. So I watched the video and as dumb as it sounds, this one got me right in the feels. Now I don’t know if it’s because I can place myself where he was out of empathy, or because I just LOVE watching people like us win, but it brought tears to my eyes.

It opens up and Caleb says

I Think I Might Love Myself

And then just starts bouncing around. It was genuine. Just jumping around, shirtless, singing, not giving a damn about anything. I’ve mentioned the shirtless thing more than once here because most of us alcoholics were a little soggy around the midsection, and when we give it up we usually slim down a bit. Personally, I lost almost 80lbs in the first year of sobriety. I guess I just saw myself in him a bunch. But it was awesome to see him winning.

This song is about giving up on what all your preconceived misconceptions about happiness are. We’ve all been lied to. We’re told money, fame, popularity, social status, etc. are what make us happy. That and trauma, are what drive a lot of people into addiction. We think happiness is something that comes from STUFF or PLACES, and we don’t have it. This is an unbelievable lie. Happiness comes from within, it’s a choice and once you realize it, you’ll love yourself as well. The chorus is a perfect breakdown of this.

Well it took my body over

Lost all my composure

Never felt quite like this before

Chemistry is changing

Emotions rearranging

I’m out of my cage

Breaking my spell

I think I might

I Think I Might Love Myself

Then the second verse talks about being lost and trying to find this elusive happiness, sometimes at the bottom of a bottle whether that’s pills or booze. A lot of times we’re questioning our position in life, and wondering when this happiness actually comes to fruition. A lot of times we’re kicked down in life, and we never really get back up. Overcoming that is so unbelievably empowering.

Trade my hope for pain

Hate who I became

How long am I gonna be young and lost?

Might never feel right

Never be clear

But nothing will change til I face my fear

Done paying the price without knowing the cost

Could it happen to me?

I’ll leave you with the last bridge or pre-chorus because this is really how it feels to come to the realization that you need to love yourself.

Focused on the time

How I’m losing every minute

Gotta make a choice

Gotta push it to the limit

Never felt better

Never making an apology

I’m exactly who I wanna be!

Only after deciding to love yourself, to REALLY love yourself, will you start to find that elusive “happiness” that you’ve been chasing through drugs, booze, sex, porn, food, etc.

Sunshine!

This is the final song of the tracks they’ve released so far and it’s fitting because it’s, in my opinion, about being committed to your new life and what is ultimately your destiny. Making sure you don’t let yourself to get where you were. Understanding where you were, and taking the steps to ensure you’re NEVER there again. This song really speaks to me because the sun is actually something I’ve learned that I need. My moods change when the sun’s not out. I know it’s more metaphoric in this song, however, it’s quite literal for me.

Killing my time in the dark inside

It’s a race to death for me

Try and unwind while I lose my mind

I got no place to be

The cold wind’s blowing

The light’s not showing

Excuses piling up

I can’t keep running

The end is coming

I think I need some (x2)

Sunshine that would finally show

I might die if I stay in this cold

And I’ll finally admit it

I’ve gotta be committed

To let this story unfold

I hear angels calling my name and

I better listen before I implode

The second verse is where a lot of us are when we’re in the depths of it. We don’t take care of ourselves. We’re ashamed of ourselves. We’re miserable. I can remember avoiding the mirror at all costs just because I couldn’t bear to look at myself, I didn’t want to see who I had become. It hurt too much.

Living in filth can’t look at myself

‘Cause I know what I’m gonna see

The spirit I lost, the years it cost

The reason I’m scared to sleep

Booze and/or drugs will kill your spirit over time. A lot of us turn to them because we’re miserable, and I can’t tell you how many years I lost because of it. But you can’t dwell in it, because booze FEEDS on dwelling in the misery. You’re miserable so you drink, which makes you more miserable, so you drink more, so you’re more miserable. It’s a brutal cycle.

Coming to the realization that you’ve gotta find that sunshine, metaphorical or physical, is how we keep ourselves from getting back into the depths of despair. If I’m not feeling right, I know I’ve gotta go outside or I’ve gotta be active. I’ve got to listen to different music, watch different TV shows, etc. I’ve got to talk to the right people and put myself in the right places to avoid the self-sabotage that we as addicts, are prone to.

Find Purpose - The Worship of Self

We chase dopamine hits thinking that it’s real happiness. Instead of doing the work we buy things, we have sex, we watch porn, we drink, we do drugs, we eat foods that are bad for us, we scroll social media, we do anything other than taking a look in the mirror and realizing that we haven’t chosen to be happy yet. We’re choosing to be “happy” for a moment, instead of finding actual palpable happiness. We’ve mistaken pleasure for happiness and it’s killing us.

The biggest thing that I think I’ve learned throughout the entire process is that we suffer from a culture that worships self. Myself included when I was in active addiction. Human beings are driven for a higher purpose, and if you aren’t working for something greater than yourself, you’ll find purpose in pleasure. Now I’m not saying that a higher purpose has to be God, you’ll have to atone for belief or disbelief when this life’s over, but what I will say is that pleasure isn’t happiness. Yet we seek pleasure when we worship self.

We have an epidemic of main character syndrome in our culture. “How many followers do I have?”, and “How many likes did I get?” seem to be of the utmost importance to many of our youth, and sadly a lot of our older generations as well. “Me me me! I matter!”

Instead of how many followers you have, you should keep stock of who you’re following. Now I don’t mean this in the sense of social media, because honestly who gives a shit. I mean it in the sense of what’s your purpose? What’s your higher calling? Who are you looking up to? What are you doing for those around you to make the world a better place? We’ve been told that being a follower is lame, but we’re designed to follow. Even those who lead, are called to follow a higher power. So don’t be ashamed to be a follower, it’s in our DNA. When you follow the right people, your purpose (and ultimately your happiness) will be clear.

Purpose is something greater than yourself. It can be your family, it can be serving your community, it can be God. Right now my purpose is to make this world the best place it can be for my daughter and all the kids who train at my gym. To leave this culture better than we found it. To help people realize their goals in life and be healthier, stronger, faster, etc. To grow my business, so my daughter and family can have a better life. My purpose isn’t about me, because I’m insignificant. Sure, I matter, I’m worth it, and I love myself. But I’m insignificant when it comes to serving my purpose. The sooner you come to grips with that one thing, the faster you’ll find happiness.

Wrapping It All Up

I’ve really got to find a better way to button these things up. Feel like it always ends with “wrapping this all up” or “putting it all together”. There’s not usually much pithy about endings and conclusions. Things typically just kind of end.

I, for one, am PUMPED to see Caleb winning like this. While we’re very different people in wildly different situations, our stories are a lot alike. Substance abuse, depression, and anxiety cross all spectrums in our culture. Black or white, liberal or conservative, poor or rich, strength coach or rockstar, everyone can be or knows someone who is dealing with these things. I hope he keeps winning and I hope he keeps telling his story through song.

I’m three years sober as of September 14, 2023, which was yesterday. In that time I’ve learned to love myself and realized that happiness is a choice. Life is infinitely better since I’ve stopped seeking pleasure and instead chose to seek a purpose greater than myself and happiness every day.

Don’t find purpose in worship of self. This is an exercise in futility. Instead, find something greater than yourself that isn’t self-indulgent and start living for that. Don’t define yourself by what you do, but who you are. What you do can be taken away from you in a heartbeat, but who you are will travel with you for as long as you live.