Being Miserable Doesn’t Make You Special, it Just Makes You Miserable
I’ve been on a quiet journey over the past 8 months to completely change just about everything in my life. If you’ve been in my inner circle or kept up with my social media you’ve probably seen a lot of that journey, but for those of you who haven’t let me tell you it’s been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I was at church this morning and the message smacked me directly in the face and I felt called to touch on more of my story.
Being miserable doesn’t make you special, it just makes you miserable.
Why is Change so Hard?
Change isn’t easy, and a lot of time it isn’t fun especially when it comes to self improvement. Everyone talks about spontaneity and progressing and improving our position in life, but the truth of the matter is that we all fear that change to some degree. We get comfortable with our position in and way of life, even if it isn’t the life we dreamt of. We sit there and think about what it would be like if we had a little bit more money, had a bigger home, didn’t have to worry as much about our finances, drove a nicer car, or looked a little better at the beach on the weekends. BUT, how many of us decide to take concrete steps to make that change? If the complaining I see in my social media feed is any indication the answer is not many. Why is this? Because change involves WORK! You can’t will your way to change and it won’t just happen, you have to take the steps necessary to making that vision a reality, and frankly a lot of people aren’t willing to put in that work. Change forces you out of your comfort zone and makes you to change routines that you rely on. You want to change your position in life? You’re gonna have to suffer a little bit and the sad fact is that we’ve lost the thought process of short term sacrifice for long term gain.
The Excuses We Tell Ourselves
Now if you’re anything like I was, you’re probably thinking in your head about every road block that’s standing in your way right now. Here’s some of the lies you tell yourself in an attempt to not have to work on yourself:
“I don’t have the time to go to the gym”
Bullshit, you don’t have an extra three to four hours a week? It’s just not a priority because you’re too comfortable.
“Eating well costs too much money”
Nope! It just takes effort. Effort that you’re not willing to put in. Most nutritious food is less expensive than the coffees and takeout that you’re spending money on.
“My job is stressful and at the end of the day I just want to relax and unwind while watching tv”
You ever tried doing something physical at the end of a hard day? You may have to drag yourself there but it’ll lead to better sleep and you’ll feel 100 times more relaxed. Hell my life is so soft that I have to create fake work for myself to do at the gym just so I can feel like a human being. Go for a walk, go to the gym, go play with your kids. As tiring as sitting behind a screen all day can be you’re not physically tired, and telling yourself this will keep you from getting where you need to be.
“I don’t have enough money to invest and see any kind of return”
You see Gamestop earlier this year? Dogecoin is up like 11,000% YTD. Think of what $100 in January could have gotten you. It’s one less night at the bar, but the potential return could be huge. The blue chips will always show you a long term return as well. You’re just too busy spending money on things that provide you with instant gratification in an attempt to make you feel better about the life you’re currently living, instead of creating the life you want.
“I don’t have the time to cook”
You don’t have time to cook? You don’t have 30 minutes in your day? What are you doing while you’re waiting around for that Door Dash delivery? Sitting around watching tv? Perusing social media to look at how great everyone else pretends their life is? You’ve got the time.
“Being healthy costs too much money and time”
You ever seen how much it costs to be unhealthy? How about the time cost associated with being unhealthy? This is a nonsensical excuse.
“If I go on vacation all I’ll be doing is thinking about the work that I’m missing that’ll be there when I get home. I won’t be able to enjoy myself”
This was actually a tough one for me to come to grips with as well. But the truth of the matter is that every single time I’ve had an idea that’s caught fire, it’s been during times of self care. Take the time to take care of yourself and your family and you’ll see a return greater than you can even imagine.
“I’m an addict. I just can’t stop binge eating/sex/porn/drugs/drinking/etc. It’s just how I’m wired”
Keep telling yourself that and you’ll NEVER be able to change. You’re designed to win, and you’re going to win at all costs. Tell yourself this, and you’ll win that argument every single time.
“I can’t better my position in life. The patriarchy/government/police/corporate America/etc are holding me back”
How you can walk around with a victim complex to this degree is beyond me. You know why you use this argument? Because it’s not real, you can never change it because these things aren’t holding you back because this scenario you created in your head doesn’t exist. But as long as you tell yourself this you can continue being a victim, and never have to do the work associated with bettering your position in life. Don’t be a victim of your own doing.
“I’m really important and all of my feelings are 100% valid. Everyone else needs to bend to how I’m feeling”
Really? There’s what, like 7 billion people on the planet? Your feelings can be valid, but that doesn’t mean that they matter. Get over yourself like yesterday.
“This job is crushing me, but there’s no other work in my field right now”
I get it. I lived here for 10 years. The truth is there is ALWAYS another option but sometimes it’s not the next rung on the ladder or it may be a completely new ladder where you have to start at the bottom. Don’t sacrifice yourself for an employer who doesn’t give two shits about you and would replace you in a second if you decided to leave.
“My metabolism is slow, I can’t help it”
While there is actually some merit to this one, I’m sorry you were dealt a bad hand but you’ve gotta play it to your best ability. Science and thermodynamics aren’t gonna change on your account.
“I just like good food too much. I don’t want to eat unhealthy foods, but this (insert binge food option) is just too good!”
You ever been able to walk around in a bathing suit or naked with confidence? You ever been able to walk past a mirror and say “damn, I look really good”? Let me tell you, NOTHING tastes as good as confidence feels!
Now a lot of this probably isn’t something you want to hear, and if you feel personally attacked then good because I’m talking directly to you. I hear excuses like this from kids I coach all the time and they’re parroting this garbage from their parents. “My coach doesn’t like me,” “I should be on the first line,” “I should be a starter,” “I should get more pp/pk time,” and my favorite “the refs were out to get us.” You know what you’re doing to your kids when you say these things in front of them? You’re creating victims who will have all the excuses above when they become adults. You’re creating victims instead of well adjusted and hard working humans. STAHP IT.
What’s Actually Standing in Your Way?
YOU! You are standing in your way. Take a hard look in the mirror and figure it out bud. Keep telling yourself that you’re a victim of circumstance and not your thought processes and you’ll NEVER get where you want.
If you’re waiting for the stars to align, or the perfect storm of opportunity, or if you’re waiting around for that next thing that’s going to make you happy then good luck, you’re going to be waiting for a lonnnnnnng time. Now this is gonna be some eye-roll inducing self help sounding crap but here she goes:
You are in charge of your own happiness, no one else.
No one’s going to do this for you. No one’s going to be putting the work in late in the day to make sure you hit the gym, or to make sure you don’t spend that money you don’t really have on something you don’t really need. The enablers in your life will sympathize with everything that’s “standing in your way” and allow you to self loathe. Get these people out of your life! As hard as it may be, there’s no room for them when you’re trying to grow. Get rid of those “friends” who tell you what you want to hear, get rid of the people who tell you that everything is going to be ok if you continue down that path, or that you deserve whatever it if you just spent money on or ate. You’re trying to grow and be a better person, you don’t need that kind of “positivity” that’s going to allow you to live a life of what’s ultimately filled with misery and unhappiness. That being said the people who are in your corner throughout your change, hold onto them as hard as you can! These are the people who will get in the trenches and suffer with you, they’re your people.
How Do We Change?
For starters you have to want to change. And I mean really want to change. Not that “I’ll get around to it” kind of want, but that “I can’t live like this for another second” kind of want. Secondly you have to remove all the excuses you’ve created that keep you in the position you’re in. Those excuses are holding you back and creating a a nice comfortable place for you to stew in your own misery. Third, and this is honestly the hardest part, get ready to embrace the suffering. There’s no way around it, change is hard work emotionally, mentally and physically. You’re going to have to do things that you don’t want to do, you’re going to have to forego things you enjoy, and you’re going to have to put yourself in vulnerable positions. You may even lose relationships or friendships, but you’ll be better off without them if you’re going to create room for your own growth. Lastly, learn to give it all time. We didn't end up in the position we’re in over night, and in turn change won’t come over night. For example, you may have spent 30 years creating terrible eating, nonexistent exercise habits and gaining weight, it’s going to take some time to undo all of this. Short term sacrifice with a plan, will always lead to long term gains. Remember and own this.
Nothing about this is going to be easy, as nothing that has value comes easy. Taking responsibility for your own happiness and putting that burden on yourself is hard. It’s WAY easier to wait for that next thing that’s going to make you happy, or to eat that unhealthy food that’s going to give you that dopamine hit, or even to just sit back and blame the world for your struggles. But there’s so much reward in taking responsibility for the changes you need to make to be a better version of yourself. You’ve just got to get out of your own way!
Make Those Changes and Go Create the Life You Want!
I’m not going to sit here and say you deserve all the happiness in the world. I’m not here to blow smoke up your ass and to be completely honest some people are just going to be miserable no matter how much they need to or pretend to want to change. I won’t go as far to say that they don’t deserve happiness, but I will say you only deserve the fruits of your own labor and if you’re not willing to put in the work you’ll never find that kind of happiness that makes everything else in life that much better. Buying that new car won’t do it, that next fun relationship won’t do it, and that promotion may put a smile on your face, but you’ll still be empty on the inside. I’ll wrap up with this because it’s important and necessary to understand:
Short term sacrifice with a concrete plan will ALWAYS lead to long term gain
Get out of your own way
You’re the only one who’s in charge of your own happiness, accept that responsibility
Stop waiting for the next thing that’s going to make you happy and go create the change in life you want
